When Your Relationships Seem to Never Work Out

   

Convos with Chloe

Chloe M. Gooden

“Why Your Relationships Seem to Never Work Out”

Hello and welcome to Convos with Chloe. Today we’re going to talk about why it seems your relationships seem to never work out. I went through a lot of horrible patterns when I was in relationships and dating. I’m hoping that through this segment I’m able to show you some things I learned about myself as well as some things that I changed to really enjoy relationships and marriage. Of course, you’re always going to be growing and healing, but I’m hoping that within this segment you’re able to see possibly some triggers or patterns that you have that may need to change and start realizing that maybe it’s not the outside of why you have not considered or seen or experienced a healthy relationship but maybe it’s you.

[00:01:23]

Hi and welcome back. I’m hoping with this segment you’re able to really think about your past and even present relationships that you’ve had and wonder or maybe even think about possibly what is going on that you’re finding the same patterns occurring over and over again in your life. I wanted to do this segment because I did a post a little bit ago, where I went over some relationship patterns that I had and how I had to realize that it really wasn’t the issue that the other people were the problem, but really me. It took me awhile to realize that I needed to change. It took me awhile to realize that it wasn’t God or the universe or other people as to why I had not experienced a healthy, loving long-term relationship. I had to realize that it was me. Don’t get me wrong, I totally understand that sometimes you are going to meet some people who are just wrong for you, just not who God has called you to be with, and that’s going to happen any time you’re dating.

Some things, if you’re finding yourself in the same situations over and over again no matter who you’re with, then you are the only person in that situation that is the common denominator as my mother told me years ago. I’m going to go over the five things that I found in my own life that I was doing wrong. It took me awhile to get to my husband and be with my husband, enjoying our marriage. Even when I met him, we had some issues come up because I really hadn’t been free to heal from my past relationships and the patterns that I had. I remember hearing a pastor of mine say, “You practice how you play.” If you’re dating a lot and you find yourself in some pattern and you don’t actually break that and heal from that before you meet whoever the guy is that God has for you, you will end up doing the same thing with them. The only difference is that because that person is made for you and you’re made for him, I think that it is a different longevity there because it’s a different heart there and love.

I’ll tell a little bit of my story when it came to me and my husband as well, and how I started to realize it was me.

[00:03:37]

How I Chose Men

The first thing I will say for sure was that a big issue that I had was how I chose men. All of us choose men for different reasons. Sometimes we do have father issues going on whether that is that you didn’t have a father figure around or whether it is that you did have one around, but maybe he was abusive or maybe he just wasn’t what you were really wanting in a guy in the future. What happens is we either like what we saw in our father and we want guys that match that same type of love and protection that we got from our father and/or we try to find the opposite for whatever reason, if you didn’t like the way your father was with your mother, etc. Or if you lacked a father figure, you’re going to find yourself constantly choosing men that will replace what you did not receive at some point. The issue with this is you start picking people from insecurities you may have had because of your past with your father. You start picking people to replace and become a placeholder of what you didn’t get. It puts a lot of pressure on a guy so what will happen is you have to really get to a place where you’re asking God, “Lord, what is the type of man that you desire for me to be with?” It’s totally okay to tell God what you desire as well.

My dad is total opposite of my husband or I thought he was in the beginning. My dad was always the one that was more the gentle one in our family. You could call him at three o’clock in the morning in college crying and my mother was more of the stronger one when it came to some things. My dad was really silly, always made my mom laugh but I still kind of wanted to expand with what it was like to be with more of a dominant male. I noticed when I was dating, I always picked people who were a lot like my father. Nothing was wrong with that at all since I was used to that with my dad. I ended up meeting my husband. He was very dominant, but a lot more like my father than I realized. He’s very silly like my dad. He reminds me of him a lot but he’s a little bit more dominant, a little bit more strong-minded than what I was used to. What I noticed was that a lot of the boyfriends that I picked, I was more in the control role because that’s what I saw when I was brought up and also because that’s what I was used to. When I met my husband, it was really hard because I had to go from being in the control role, the leadership role, to switching. I’m going to do a podcast about this soon about going from an independent woman to a submissive wife because it’s a transition for us. I realized that was the reason why I chose men the way I did.

Start asking yourself, “Do the guys I pick have a pattern? Am I asking God for the type of man I actually need to be with?” The guys I was choosing based on things that I dealt with as a child, it made me realize it wasn’t really what I needed in a husband. The person that I’m with now is what I needed in a husband. Be open, notice what you’re choosing. If every time you meet a guy and you get with him and they end up cheating on you, it’s a quality in a guy that you’re picking out that you’re finding yourself dating that type of person. Maybe you can’t ever find one that can keep a job or maybe they are lazy. Whatever it may be, it’s something going on from your past or something you think you’re attaining from that relationship that you really need to be attaining from God.

[00:07:03]

How I Rushed into Relationships

The second thing I would say is that I used to rush a lot in relationships. I was definitely the type that I would be on that high when I met a guy. I was crazy and passionate, thinking I’m in love and I would immediately get in a relationship with them within a month. I had to realize that a big part of that was because I was very impatient, and I think I liked to hurry up to get to the relationship thing. I was doing that because I always desired to be a mother and I always desired to be a wife. Sometimes our desires can jump ahead of our wisdom and that’s where you really have to check yourself. It’s okay that you want a husband. It’s okay that you want children maybe one day and you want a wedding and a marriage, but don’t let your desires get so in the forefront of your mind that you’re not thinking logically. You’re jumping in because you want the title or maybe you really do like them but you’re not really getting to know who they are. It takes about three months to truly get someplace where you’re really starting to see who the person is as more months go by. I even made this same mistake with my husband. We met each other and I think within a year’s time we got engaged and married. I do know couples who have gotten married, engaged and all that within six weeks and are still together now. It’s all about your situation and who you are. When we were together, we kind of rushed into marriage and I think it definitely did cause some issues because I think we needed some more time. We needed to finish getting his PhD. There were some things I probably could’ve waited on. The timing probably would have been better. God will use anything that happens within your life, though, to help your relationships. But don’t rush. There’s nothing to rush to. You becoming a wife one day, it’ll happen. You being a mother one day, it will happen in the right season. Any time you rush into relationships without seeking God, taking time to really know who this person is, and really listen to God about the best timeframe. When you do things out of season, it can cause a lot of hard times that you could have avoided if you just would’ve waited. It’s just like when you plant things in the wrong season. It’s going to be a little bit harder for you to get that harvest because you didn’t wait for the right season.

[00:09:10]

How I Didn’t Heal Before Getting into a New Relationship

The third thing I would say is I didn’t really properly heal before I would date a person again. I would leave a relationship and I mean, within a couple of weeks, I would date somebody new not realizing that I hadn’t really dealt with the past and letting go of the person. Don’t go from relationship to relationship. Usually you do need some time to grieve. It is a type of grieving when you break up with somebody. If you do go to a new person too fast, you’ll find yourself comparing to the other person that you used to be with. Also, a really bad habit I had, I would go constantly back and forth in relationships. I would break up with a guy and then I would date a new one, realize I missed that one still and I’d go back to exes a lot. Really, really bad habit. It’s because I didn’t give myself time to heal. When you leave a relationship, give yourself time. I cannot tell you how long you should wait. I think it really depends on the relationship. Give yourself some time to go through all the stages of grief to ensure that you’ve really let go because it’s not fair to the new person either.

[00:10:14]

How I Was Impatient

Number four is how I was impatient. I didn’t give people chances. A big thing I did was when I was in relationships, if it got to a place where I didn’t like something or I felt frustration, I would break up with them. I would break up with people left and right. It was crazy. I think eventually what happened was that I realized after I would break up with them, that I regretted it. I was making a lot of emotional decisions that I would constantly go back to them. When I met my husband, I still was dealing with the same problem. If we had an issue, I would want to back away. I would lose hope quickly, and I would want to give up on it. It goes back to the ‘practice how you play’ thing. If you are in a relationship with somebody or dating, you need to give people time and patience and get to know them. You’re imperfect, they’re imperfect. Any relationship you’re in, and when you get to marriage, there’s going to be some hard times. If you don’t learn now how to endure- now, I’m not trying to say endure abuse- that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying things that they need to work on, flaws, things like that. You’ve got to be patient. You really have to realize that in marriage, you are marrying an imperfect person and you’re really learning how to love unconditionally, the way Christ loves, and that is tough. It’s really love that keeps you going. What really has kept me and my husband going through the things we’ve gone through is that we really love each other, and God is love so it’s really about having God in that relationship and you really loving each other. It takes you going past those imperfections and being patient with people.

[00:11:44]

Realizing What True Love Is

The fifth thing was how I didn’t really realize what true love really was. I thought that puppy love was love. I thought if he did everything I wanted him to do that meant he loved me. If he spoiled me then he loved me. I realized I was dealing with some things from my past as a child because I was used to being spoiled at one point and then my parents popped out two other kids. As I got older, I realized I was used to that attention so when I would date guys, I would want that attention too. Then I would want them to love me a certain way and I didn’t realize that was not love. Ladies, I’m going to tell you something and I honestly didn’t experience it until I looked at things my father did with my mom, and I started looking at what God did and what my husband did for me as well. When a man really loves you, really loves you, he’s going to provide for you. I don’t mean just financially. He’s going to want to make sure you’re okay, provide things for you emotionally, spiritually, physically. All those things, he’s going to want to be there for you because that’s how men love. They want to protect and cherish what they care about and they’re going to make sure they have a heart for you. They know how to be vulnerable with you and loving and protect you and care about the things that you care about. If a man is not able to sacrifice for you, there’s something missing there. If he’s not concerned when you bring up something that’s broken down in your house or in your car, you may want to question some things. Start really seeing and looking at how God loves you and how people that care about you in your family because a man is going to love you the same way.

[00:13:18]

Patterns in My Relationships

Those are things that I would say I tripped up on, but I would add number six. I started to realize that I had bad patterns and habits. If you really sit down and think about your past relationships, I’m pretty sure you will be able to find a similarity within what happened in those relationships, why they didn’t work out. It’s some similar pattern whether the guys are similar, or the patterns are similar. If you really sit down, you’ll realize what you do and what needs to change in you. For me, I was breaking up with people way too quickly and was not giving them a chance. I was going back to exes all the time and the other things I brought up in the segment. When I realized that, I was able to change and heal. My husband had things to work on too like two imperfect people. As far as responsibility on my end, when God really worked on me and dealt with that, my husband and I were able to really learn to love each other and I was able to know what it meant to really endure. It took a man that was very tenacious, like Izzy was, for him to be able to love me through that and for me to love him also in some things we’ve gone through. Keep in mind some things I’ve brought up. Are these patterns maybe you have done in the past? What’s your pattern? Tell me in voice message. Maybe some patterns you have seen yourself in the commenting section of whatever I posted on. Just think about it because I want you to have healthy relationships. I would not be able to experience a healthy marriage if I did not heal and fix myself. I’m still healing. It’s always a work in progress. I’m hoping these things will help you notice some things that you’re doing yourself and hopefully, be able to find patterns so you can experience the love that God has for you when it comes to relationships and marriage.

[00:15:08]

As a quick run through, the five or six things I brought up was how I chose men, how I rushed in relationships so I didn’t properly heal before dating again, I was impatient and did not give people chances, how I didn’t realize what true love really was and how I realized what my patterns were in my relationships. I hope you have a great day. Until next time, as always, God Bless. If you want any more resources, you can go to my site at chloemgooden.com and check out my other books or resources for help. Hope you have a great day. God Bless.