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You’ve been dating for 3 years and he still isn’t ready for commitment.

You’ve been living together for 5 years, but he fears getting married because his parents had an ugly divorce.

You’ve been with him to family reunions, weddings, graduations and have met all his friends. You even cook together sometimes and talk every night. But, he doesn’t see you as more than a friend?

Been in any of these situations? Or, are you in one now?

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I’ve been here before for sure. 

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When I was younger, I remember dating and being friends with a guy for several years. I was what I thought was “in love” and would do anything and everything for him. However, I was the typical “friends with benefits.” I allowed him to string me along for years as the “friend” while he continued to date other women and commit to them. It wasn’t until he got married and I went off to college that I finally; let go.

I will never forget this, and it was a staple relationship that transgressed into my fears of a man not wanting commitment. This pushed me to : Rushing into relationships. Demanding Commitment. Give up on guys too quickly if they weren’t ready when I was ready.

This is an example of what situations like this can do to your confidence as well as your emotional/relational health.

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What kind of situation are you in now? 

Has he promised you he loves you but just isn’t ready for marriage?

Have you all had kids, live together and even have a promise ring, but he still isn’t’ ready for marriage?

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What can you do in this situation? How can you get out of your current mess and prevent yourself from getting into this type of mess in the future?

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Stop Staying in Situations You Don’t Desire

As women, we tend to get really upset when a man treats us poorly. We get frustrated when he keeps lying. We get disappointed when they play games with our emotions. We get hurt when we realize they don’t love us as much as we love them (How To Handle a Relationship Where you Feel Unloved). However, though we get upset, we keep giving them chance after chance. We continue to stay even though we want better for ourselves. We continue to have children with a guy who doesn’t treat us well and isn’t a good father figure. We continue to welcome the mistreatment. Yes, when you continue to stay , you are telling him you are welcome to the mistreatment.

I know it’s hard to leave someone you love. I get it. I’ve been there multiple times. It’s heart wrenching (Why You Can’t Seem to Let Him Go). You’ve put so much into this man and relationship and you just wished and hoped he would one day love you the same and desire you as much as you desire him. It’s hard. Going through a break up, you go through the same 5 Steps of Grief someone does that is going through grief for the death of a family member. You go through Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, but eventually; Acceptance. Eventually, you move on. heal, and learn to love again.

You have to ask yourself, “Do you want better? Do you feel you deserve better? Will your life after you leave be better than you staying?” That is solely up to you. Just be aware. The longer you are strung along, the harder it will ever be to leave. Also, if you have children, you are showing that child what a healthy relationship looks like and what love is. Is it a good example?

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Pay Attention to His Conversations

Many times, a guy will express some form of lack of interest for a relationship while dating. He may say things such as, “Idk. I mean, I enjoy being free and doing my own thing.” or “I don’t really believe in monogamy. It’s not natural.” or “I just got out of a relationship and I’m just not ready to take that chance again anytime soon.”

Whatever the exact phrase may be, pay attention to his conversations. Does he ever talk as if he is looking for a commitment and makes statements that include you? Does he use “I” more so than “We” when he makes decisions? A guy will show a lot in his conversations if he is looking for a relationship( 7 Ways to Know He Is Looking for a Serious Relationship).

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When He Says He Doesn’t Want You/Relationship; Believe Him

How many times has a guy told you that he likes you and attracted to you; but just doesn’t see you that way? Or, maybe you all have fooled around, gone out on a couple dates, but anytime you bring up making things official, he brushes the topic off and/or starts an argument? He isn’t serious. When a man wants you; he makes it clear and will do what’s needed to make you feel secure in the relationship.

The main issue here is that we will make excuses, even though the truth has been spoken loud and clear. “Oh, he just feels like that now. I’m sure the more we date, his feelings will change.” or “Well, I really love him and can’t imagine being with anyone else. I’ll just wait. I’m sure it will get better.” Ladies; STOP. We end up in a lot of situations that could have been avoided solely because we didn’t listen and accept the truth.

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Don’t Beg Him for It

Never beg a man to be with you. Ladies, you do not have to do that. Anytime something is forced; it was never originally yours. If he doesn’t want the same things you do, it may be time to move forward. You can’t make a man commit. You can’t make a man love you. You can’t make a man see your value. Never feel like you have to coerce someone to love you. That’s not love. That’s not God’s will for you. 

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Don’t Force Him Into It

I also remember some guys in my life who really liked me, but truly knew themselves and knew they weren’t ready to commit to anyone. They were honest about it and I appreciated that. However, I was stuck on what I wanted and gave ultimatums/demands. Ladies, some guys, if they really like you and afraid of losing you; they may commit to you just to appease you, however, this is not good! Eventually, the reason why they weren’t ready to commit will become an issue.  If you know he truly cares about you. (9 Ways to Know If He’s The One For You) If you know he really loves you and truly just isn’t ready; don’t pressure him. If you decide to wait on him; that’s totally up to you. However, decide for yourself if you want to continue investing with the uncertainty of a commitment in future.

Ask yourself why you want a relationship and ensure that you aren’t pushing a desire you have on a guy due to : Fear of never getting married. Wanting to feel loved or fulfilled (Only God can do this). Wanting to feel secure in yourself. (4 Dangers of Being Desperate for Marriage)

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A key to any good relationship is having a healthy relationship with yourself first.

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Don’t Assume It’s You

Sometimes we can find ourselves questioning our worth when we are in these situations. “Do I deserve this?” “Is this my fault?” Ladies, sometimes why a guy doesn’t want commitment has nothing to do with you. There is always someone out there who will see your beauty and value and treat you as such. Just because this current guy doesn’t see it, doesn’t mean it isn’t there. He can’t see your value, because you aren’t for him. It’s important not to prolong these relationships so that your confidence will not be broken down and you forget who you are in Christ. You are enough my love. You. Are. Enough.

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Love Yourself First and Know Your Worth

Ladies, many of us stay in this situations and/or get into these situations; because we are not aware of what real love is, and sometimes, don’t truly love ourselves. There is something internally going on that is telling you; you deserve this. There is something in you telling you that you can’t get better and you might as well stay. Lies. God called you a beautiful masterpiece when He formed you (Ephesians 2:10). 

You are beautiful. Loved. An amazing masterpiece. You have a beautiful spirit. You have a beautiful mind. You are lovely. Did you know that? If you know that, why would you ever put yourself in situations like this? Did the sex (Not Tonight My Worth Is Far Above Rubies) distract you and keep you attached to someone you know isn’t good for you (How to Break a Soul Tie)? Have you never felt attractive and he makes you feel wanted and desirable? You know what’s keeping you there and you know what’s getting you into these situations. You have to work through this and truly understand why you allow this in your life (Rubies Healing & Letting Go).

You deserve better my love. There is a man who will see your worth and love you the way you deserve and give you the commitment you deserve. However, that will never come if you continue to get into these types of situations and/or stay.

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     Want Better for Yourself & Know Your Worth; Love. 

Chloe M. Gooden